The tracks of my tears

If I could have a song playing as u read this blog post it would be "tracks of my tears" by Smokie Robinson

I used to laugh at the songs that talked about not being able to breath or lose of breath over a guy or girl. I used to. But lately...i see where those songs are coming from.

I like to think of myself as a strong person. So it confuses me when I realize how badly I am dealing with this break up. It hurts. It just hurts. I find myself crying in my room by myself. God is great to me and I am so thankful to him for all of his many blessings. I just seriously loose my breath when I remember how happy I was with him or how perfect for each other we are. I hate crying and I'm tired of it. But the tears come more than I would like to admit. It hurts to be around him especially since we are still good friends. It hurts to be away from him.

Lately I have been going out with friends and trying to enjoy myself. Like tonight, I went to a friends birthday dinner. We had a great time. But guess who was there? My ex's roommate his freshman year and his sophomore year in college. Me and him are friends but of coarse best friend/ex came up more than a couple of times during the birtday dinner. After the dinner the group of us went to a house party/get together. Guys tried to talk to me (which happens...i mean i aint ugly lol) and I closed myself off. Is it crazy that i KNOW what I want...??? I know who i want. I KNOW.. And I dont need to look anymore....does that sound pathetic????? Best friend....maybe he needs to see for himself...i dunno. God Knows...and I'm just gonna be here...waiting...hopefully not in vain.

Its late and I just started crying....so take this rant with a grain of salt. My head will be a little clearer in the morning after I get some sleep.

For now I will leave u with my theme song...

"So take a good look at my face; you see my smile looks out of place; if you look closer it's easy to trace; the tracks of my tears"...

Simply in Love

I had a really nice night tonight guys! Thanks!

You're right...i need to blog.

Law School Apps and Lsat prep can wait for one night.

I need to get this off my chest....


Its a sucky thing when your in love with your best friend. It's because when your not a 'couple' anymore and your actually bestfriend only....it hurts like hell. He loves me and says he's still in love with me but any talk of being a couple...or the fact that he's pretty much breaking my heart...he pulls away even more. He claims he just doesn't want to be in a relationship...and he just wants a friend. I'm willing to do that because no matter what we are each others better half and he knows that. He constantly reminds me that I'm apart of his family and that i could't get rid of him because he's there to stay. Thats easy for him to say...he's the one who wants the break...NOT ME. Its unfair that I have to be the understanding one and the good friend to accomidate his desire for us to be friends right now. Don't get me wrong...I love him with all of my heart and I have faith that we will get back together...sooner or later. Another reason I am surviving this is because even before we were together...way back when...he's always said...he wants his girl to be his best friend. He want his wife to be his bestfriend. So....for now I really am just his best friend. When I think about it its not that bad. All those girls who may get the chance now to have some of his attention...have NOTHING on me. I know that I have a special place in his heart. Now while I can't promise that I won't evntually date and talk to other guys...I will keep the faith. God is wayyyy to good to me to cry anymore tears!

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent. :-)

If Only

If only these words would draw you nearer instead of pushing you away....

The individual beats, rhythms, palpatations of each heart beat move my soul closer to you. I've been here before...this place full of worry, this place full of fear. So you tell me not to worry and you tell me to have faith but I still say I'm scared. I've been here before...so dark and unsure. I want you to say that you love me still. I dont want you to leave , I want you to stay. You don't stay, you leave, you just go far...far away.

NEVER TOO OLD FOR THE TRUTH

I know Miley Cyrus is like 6 years younger than me...but who cares. She hit it on the nose with this one. So...before I go to sleep I wanted to share my new favorite video.

I'm grown. Now what?

I have so many thoughts inside of me and its very overwhelming to try and blurt them out all at once. But I'm using this blog as a tool to vent and nag....basically say things that my friends would look at me sideways if I tried to ramble on about.

I intern for a Judge here in Baltimore; however, for most of the summer I was an intern for my Congressman on the 'Hill' in DC. I want to be an attorney one day but I have no clue what I want to actually do with the Law Degree. When I look at my future I can see a lot of things but the career side of it hasn't seem to come into focus yet. I'm about to start applying to Law Schools in a month or two...shouldn't I know what in the world I'm going to law school for??? Yea, I know...a lot of people don't decide what type of law they want to go into until their 3rd year of Law school...but I'm tired of telling people...I just like the law. Its a dumb answer and I sound dumb saying it.

*Side Note: u know those questions/comments that you say but as they are leaving your lips you regret the second you evern opened your mouth? I do that a lot. People say think before you speak...and while I do that most of the time....its impossible to be 100%. I mean people already say I think too much....im just stuck between a brick and a ....hard place. But I digress...

So this Law School thing is the plan. I wanna go straight after college. I took the lsat already but If Imma get a scholarship (which i would need to attend law school) I need to get a higher score. Hence the reason I'm taking the lsat again in the fall.

I'm in love with someone and we have a wonderful friendship but like all things in life there are good times and bad times. He is someone who I relate to and connect with in a way that I have not with anyone else. He's my favorite person, best friend and confidant. People are always saying how perfect we are for each other and how we compliment each others personalities. BUT Right now were working through some of our issues...the main one is taking each other for granted. We got too comfortable and forgot the best thing about out relationship which was the fact that we were in it (the relationship) because we wanted to...not because we had to. So...this summer we took a 'break' and decided to give each other space. The physical space wasn't very hard considering he was in NY doing an internship and I was in D.C. The emotional space was the hard part. I wanted to call and say hi and tell him everything that happened in my day but I couldn't. He reminded me that he loved me everynow and then and called to check on me and see how I was doing...but that was it. I feel like I hung and spoke with his mom more than I talked to him...but i survived it.

I even tried to place my attention on other guys who were in my internship program...but that only led me to my original conclusion....best friend is the only guy i want. No one else compares (Ok now I sound like a cheesy love song). We are getting better though. He took me on a nice outing for my bday...as i described to you in my first post. It was great and I think we rediscovered some things that we had forgotten about. We still have a long way to go but I know we will get it together soon. Lately we've been talking about how we don't want to get back to the way we were...we want to be better than before.

I'm optimistic for my future...professionally and personally. I'll keep you updated... ;-)

The Virgin Blogger

This is my first time doing this so if you would bare with me I'd greatly appreciate it. I can guarantee there will be gramatical errors and mis spellings gallor. BUT I need for you to do me a favor...just let me know I'm not alone in this. I have GREAT faith in God. However....like many people... I sometimes feel like nobody understands what is going on in my head. Some stuff I want to keep to myself and some stuff I just want to YELL outloud. The latter is what I will be sharing with you all. That stuff that I just HAVE to tell someone....yep thats what Imma write. My friend....hmmm I'll call him King Blog....he's like this great blogger and he told me that this blogging this is theraputic...so lets see if he's right.

First I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm 21 years old...that's a new development. I turned 21 last week and u wanna know what I did? I hung out with Best Friend. We hung out at the harbor in the morning...went to one of my favorite places to eat calle Fogo De Chao (u should try it) and then went to a wonderful museum. We took the water taxi over to another part of the city and went to Maggie Moos....best ice cream in the world. I got a smoothie- Raspberry and Pomagranate. After our outing I had a family get together at my house where friends and fmaily came to celebrate my bday. I had an Ice Cream cake...hamburgers...hot dogs...soda. Needless to say I didn't spend my birthday like other 21 year olds. I did my own thing. Thats basically a good introduction of myself for you. I try not to walk with the crowd. TRY is the opporative word.

When I'm not away at school I live with both parents (they've been married for 23 years) and I'm the oldest of two. I have a youger sister who just became a teenager...yes she's 13. My family is big. Each side is big and they all keep in touch. If you tell one person something...everyone will know by the end of the day. That's just how it is.

I'm known as being nice and VERY diplomatic. In fact my life is a somewhat twisted melody. I'm the big sister in the book or in the movie that does everything right...(its a fascade...trust me). People seem to think I have it all together. I attend a prestegious HBCU, I get good grades, I am Pretty (am I conceited for saying that?)...anyways I have had 4 very cool internships in the last 2 years. There are other things I could include but I make myself gag bragging. AHHH I hate it. The fact that people look at my problems and trivialize them because...I seem like I have it all together. Truthfully...I probably don't have any Real problems but HEY... they're mine...so shut your trap.

I sound awkward cursing...so don't expect you'll hear much of that. I carry myself in a way that no one can ever call me anything other than a Lady. I'm sorta conservative....but I am a DEM! O yea BARACK OBAMA all the WAY! I respect my body...but I'll be honest in saying that I haven't always been smart about that one.

SUPER FLAW: I have a super snob within who tries to come out evernow and then but I surprise myself at how well I keep it in. I have this painfully anal way of trying to make everything perfect...whether its tangible or just in my mind. My mom says I consume too much caffeine...and that's why I'm so scatter brained and OCD. Well I think...she's right. Haha. Let's see how this blogging thing goes.