ILLUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

To the 5 who may not know it... this is for u.
It just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Just like when I was 7 and I realized there was no tooth fairy.
Or like when I was 9 and finally gave up on Santa.
Maybe it was more like when I was 6 and the Wizard of OZ was suddenly just a guy behind the curtain.
It just hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Just. Like. That.
If I say I wasn't expecting to learn what I've learned this summer, I would be making an understatement that could only be outdone by my imagination.
YOU let me down. But did you really? Was it an inevitable fall from grace? An in escapable reality that would be unreasonable to deny.
I thought. No, scratch that. I KNEW I could count on my unrealistic expectaions of your super hero persona.
It was only a matter of time I suppose. No one is perfect they say. After all, you never asked me to think the world of you. No, I did that on my own.
1)Maybe it happned when I walked into that office.
2)But I'm pretty sure it's when I walked through the gate.
3)Nope, it was the second time I called that phone.
4)It had to be the first time I saw YOU cry.
5)But it was really when YOU told me.
Are you still wondering how Ms. J, Ms. Prestegious Black Woman College, Ms. I'm going to Law School, Ms. I have a boyfriend that goes to that Prestegious Black Men College, Ms. I've had 4 internships in the last 2 years, Ms. People think I have it together but that's because they don't know me at all, could be so decieved?
Here is a secret about me that I BET only 3 people in this whole world know: I am obssesive compulsively concerned with things that NO one else on earth would possibly think to give a second thought to.
Why? Easy. I care too much. Plain and simple. Not 'too much' like normal people haha. I care too much like...forreal.
All of this to say what?
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just. Like. That.
You see, it's not your fault because your only human. YOU can't help it. Just like I can't help the fact that they think I am someone I'm not. You see, just like I held un realistic expectations for you; that is the same way people approach me. I am seen as something that I am not. If they really knew me....they would be let down too. Shoot, I let myself down all the time.
So the next time you feel bad because you think you let me down. Don't. Just keep doing what you do.
1) Even when I left that office, your voice rang through my ears. I could't believe I had been deceived. But I really wasn't. Its how the game works.
2) That gate locked me in and when it set me free you were there. YOU let me down. But you really didn't. It was supposed to happen.
3) Just let it ring. With each ring my heart sank. With each word my ears stopped listening. Here we go again. But we bounce back.
4)The first tear scared me. I thought you were weak. I knew I was wrong for feeling that way but I was too young to know bette. It wasn't your fault. You didn't let me down. You are human, as am I.
5)One day Super Man became human. One day I knew why it hadn't happened. It became clear. If I knew 'it'...I wouldn't like you as a person? You say that... but I still disagree. You know I always will.
What did I realize? What hit me like a ton of bricks?
Something basic and true. I'm human and I will mke mistakes. Peope will let me down. I must forgive them. Forgiveness comes from knowing people mess up and moving on from it. I love it. So I'm going to forgive all of you. I hope you will forgive me to.